JOKES
Quotes	Limericks		Proverbs	Songs		Phrases	Send A Joke
Short And Sweet I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner I went into McDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries". The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that". Jay Leno What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. Where do you find a dog with no legs Answer Right where you left him What do you call a deer with no eyes .Answer No Idea Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't Zigzag If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? A lady goes to see her doctor.Oh, doctor, she said coyly, where will I put my clothes? Put them over there next to mine. Bridget went to the doctor with her knees all scratched and cut up . The doctor says, What happened to your knees? She says, Its from making love doggie style. He says don’t you know any other position besides doggie style? Yeah! But my dog doesn’t. A mouse dashed up a girls leg , under her dress and came to rest in the crevice of two large breasts. You are obviously a titmouse, she said. No I’m not he replied. I’m Mickey Mouse, but I overshot my mark.					Laugh but Long A drunken guy playing a poker machine wins a jackpot of five hundred dollars. The machine spills out 500 one dollar coins, som he fills his pockets and stumbles home. When he gets there he trips on the front steps and the coins go everywhere. Bugger it. I’ll pick them up in the morning, he thinks. In the morning his wife wakes him up. Guess whats on the front steps? I Know I know 500 one dollar coins . No she says. Two hundred and fifty cartons of milk. One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50." A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate," "In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he says. Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?" The man says, "V-A-N." "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry." "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate." The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate." "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams ­ This guy is asked by his wife to go and get some snails so they can have escargo. She says to him don’t be late getting back the dinner parties in a few hours. After buying the snails he runs into this great looking lady and they start chatting next minute there back at her place and have wild affair that night. About six in the morning he remembers the party. He jumps out of bed, races home as he races up the stairs he falls and drops the snails. His wife comes out looking really angry. He looks down at the snails and says come on you guys get a move on. A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office. Little Johnny gets up in class and says Miss Jones I need to take a piss.The teacher replies Johnny that’s not the right word urinate is the correct English. Before you can go use urinate in a sentence. Johnny says,You’re an eight miss Jones but if you had bigger tits you would be a ten.